whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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