so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
