No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
