$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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