I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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