I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
