Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
