Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
