well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
