What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
