I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
