you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She bit a glass in half.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
