I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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