I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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