More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
