I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
