I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
