apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
