I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
