getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
