just come out here and I will go home with you...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
