I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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