I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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