it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
