i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
