My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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