I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
