The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I am one with the molecules
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
