I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
