haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
3pm strippers are depressing
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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