my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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