Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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