She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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