If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize