I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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