Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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