true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I won't apologize to a one balled man
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
