Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
