I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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