so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
