ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
