Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
