don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
