just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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