Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
