he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize