i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
