i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
