i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize