Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
