I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
