I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
