don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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