This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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