I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize