Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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