Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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