I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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