I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
