I wish my penis had an off switch
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
why is half of my head shaved?
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