You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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