You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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