Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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